Native Son: Top Five Reasons NOT to Plant a Garden
What’s with all these maniacs and their gardens? Life is complicated enough without all this soil toil, this botanical bother, this horticultural hullabaloo. Who needs it?!?!
I humbly present to you the top five reasons not to garden:
1. Dirt—Gardening is dirty. Well, technically, it’s “soily,” which isn’t even a real word. I mean, what kind of fool would want to take their perfectly clean self outside and wallow in the yucky-mucky? I mean, yeah, it washes off, but still…who would actually want to get their hands in contact with the pedosphere, that thin layer of weathered rock and organic matter that supports 99.44% of all terrestrial life on Earth? Plus, it’s full of all sorts of horrid stuff: earthworms, nematodes, fungi, bacteria…even the dreaded dihydrogen monoxide! And if you get it under your fingernails, it won’t come out until you wash your hair. Ugh.
2. Insects—Nasty, creepy-crawly critters that burrow in, walk on, or even fly above that dirty soil, all with one thing in mind—to kill you. Think that butterfly is friendly? It’s just looking for an opportunity to suck your brains out through your face. Caught yourself fancying that ladybug? All it wants to do is infest your armpits. And those honeybees—they want nothing more than to sting your eyeball and laugh at your pain. Never mind all that jibber-jabber about pollination of 35% of the food we eat, amazing co-evolution with flowers, soil enrichment and aeration, and all that “it’s so beautiful!” jazz about butterflies, they’re all…natural born killers.
3. Flowers—Not only are flowers over-rated, they’re actually dangerous. Flowers can distract us from important things in the real world—like bills, the latest episode of The Bachelor, and even Facebook. I heard there was a lady in France who walked right off a cliff while admiring some lavender. (Some people claim there was a cell phone involved, but it’s obvious the lavender was to blame.) Many humans look at flowers and see beauty and natural wonder–instead of an evil botanical ruse hell-bent on befuddling those nasty insects into pollinating them. Big mistake. And those fragrant flowers are the deadliest…those toxic scents maliciously penetrate the brain, inducing a hypnotic feeling of pleasure and relaxation. Oh yes, the first sniff’s always free, but then you’re hooked on honeysuckle. Some even evoke pleasant memories…memories that should stay buried in the past. Perhaps the most wicked are gardenia, jasmine, and rose…this terrible trio has brought joy to millions of people, sure, but robbed them of a dull and meaningless existence.
4. Food—You really want to eat something that grew in that disgusting dirt? Really? Fresh corn dripping with butter and just a tad of salt…ugh. Vine-ripened, home-grown tomatoes, bursting with that tangy juice…nasty. Apples, grapes, peaches, blueberries, strawberries, oranges…all revolting. Oh, and those “cute little clementines”…I think I’m going to hurl. Give me some real food, like haggis, casu marzu, century egg, or some good, old-fashioned, factory-processed candy corn. As much as it pains me to admit, two exceptions to dirt foods do exist—coffee and cocoa—for they are necessary for human survival. Perhaps one day, they’ll be made artificially in a laboratory, with lots of delicious chemical additives…we can dream.
5. Fresh Air and Sunshine—This is the final straw. Any numbskull who would dare venture outside into a garden is obviously mentally unstable. Dirt, bugs, flowers, food…are you crazy?!? You’d be safer waltzing on the top lane of the High Five intersection in Dallas at 5pm on the Friday before Labor Day. Extensive research by the Chesterfield/Solanum-tuberosum Institute proves that any contact, direct or indirect, with Mother Nature will eventually kill you. It may take 75, 85, even up to 105 years, but research proves definitively that these thrill-seekers who go outside to experience the temporary “high” of solar radiation and oxygen will eventually overdose and die. Yet, millions of daredevils throw caution to the wind (another danger!) and go outside to garden…every day. There are even associations of these epicureans—”Master Gardeners”— hopelessly addicted to the cheap thrills of gardening. Some will even lure gullible people into their gardens, often with a fermented grape concoction in hand, and with vile smiles and pernicious hearts, attempt to indoctrinate the innocents into their cult of the damned. It happens every day, people, every day…
6. Bonus reason NOT to garden—If you are crazy enough to go outside and garden, you are likely to experience a phenomenon sometimes referred to as, “happiness.” This is not to be taken lightly. This so-called, “happiness,” can lead to loss of anxiety, reduced stress, and temporary distraction from worry over the world’s problems…all of which are necessary to maintain your hypertension and ulcer formation. Stress and anxiety may also help keep you constipated, which is an important part of a comprehensive daily misery routine.
Although I’ve done my best to warn you about the horrors of gardening, I suspect a few of you will find some flimsy excuse to visit a public garden, do a little landscaping, or perhaps plant a few seeds. This is a complete waste of your precious time; time which could be much better spent hunkered over in the darkness, cell phone in hand, arguing with complete strangers over internet topics of which neither of you have any true knowledge or control. Or you could binge-watch 57 years of General Hospital reruns…or count the holes in Albert Hall…or try to find a 4-roll pack toilet paper on-line for under $50. Hey…free shipping!