Gardening Is Better Than Oysters

My wife loves oysters. She grew up in a small farm community in South Central Ohio. Their family shopped in a little IGA market that sold bottled oysters for a couple of weeks every fall. Little Lynn and Grandpa Plum spent one entire afternoon each year cutting those six oysters into 12 pieces and savoring them one bite at a time. I’ve heard this story so many times I can tell it blindfolded.

I grew up in South Central Texas (College Station). My mom cooked hash. I never knew exactly what was in that stuff because I never really ate it. I remember sitting at the table hours on end looking at it, watching it grow cold. And moldy. Hoping it would blow away. I’d slip it down to the dog, but she’d have nothing to do with it.

I rate oysters and hash about equal. I’ve forgotten about hash, and I won’t write about it again. But since so many seemingly normal people like oysters, I’ll forge ahead. I’ve decided to share with you my reasons that gardening is better than oysters.

• Gardening is something the whole family can enjoy. I’ll use my family as my example. That score is 1 of us who loves gardening (me), 2 who seem to tolerate it (Brian and Erin), 1 who has little use for it (Lynn), and one for whom the jury is still out (Todd). Oysters may have 2 positive votes. I’ll get back to you, but I think I’m losing so far.

• However you judge it, oysters are definitely more of an acquired taste. You’re not forced to learn to enjoy gardening. (Unless the HOA gets involved, in which case the “enjoyment” is about like I “enjoyed” the hash.)

• You can garden in just about any soil. You can’t do that with oysters. In fact, they really don’t do well in soil at all. So, gardening wins on that one.

• You can enjoy the sunshine when you garden. Of course, you’ll want your sunscreen and a big hat or bonnet, but it’s a great chance to be outdoors. You can do that with your oysters, but you’ll find yourself wandering around in murky water. Alligators and sharks might live in there, too.

• You get hot and stinky when you garden. Stay in the sun long enough and you’ll even draw flies. With oysters, they do all that for you – they get all the glory.

One day early in our marriage we left some oyster shells in a hot parked car in New Orleans. Summertime. Bad move. We drove back to Texas with the windows rolled down.

• Gardening gives you more options. You can grow flowers, or you can grow vegetables. Ferns or philodendrons. Oysters? You’re gonna get oysters. And they’re all gonna look pretty much the same. They’re ugly. It’s hard to find one oyster that’s any prettier than another.

• Let’s get serious for a moment. When was the last time you heard of someone getting food poisoning while they were out working in the garden? Oysters? Different story, so be careful.

• Gardening supports pollinators. What has an oyster done to help a butterfly, hummingbird or honeybee lately?

• Gardening reduces stress and anxiety. Remember how you felt the first time you ate an oyster? How about an ear of corn or a bowl of strawberries? Gardening wins in a shutout.

• You can enjoy a nice garden for weeks, months, even years. A nice oyster? Gone in a gulp.

• Someone new moves into the neighborhood. You take them a basket of tomatoes or a bouquet of fresh flowers. Nice move. Or you take them a dozen oysters right out of your tank. Perhaps they ask you to move.

• I’ll finish with a couple of true stories. Many years ago, I was invited to judge a tomato-growing contest for one of my radio sponsors. One of his prizes was for the most tomatoes on a single plant. The winner was growing Sweet 100s. That plant was huge. I lost count somewhere up around 525 tomatoes on the one plant. My arms were green from the stains. Allergies? Well, yes. Once I quit scratching, I thanked the sponsor and gave him the names of some other people I thought would make great judges the following year. (Because I wasn’t coming back.)

• From the oyster side, my wife and I were driving up Highway 1 north of San Francisco. The sign said, “Barbecued oysters! Last chance!” Of course we stopped in. It was about 4 p.m. It was a big place, but it was early, and it was empty. Lynn started with a dozen on the half shell. That quickly doubled to 24. And then 36. When it came time for dessert, I ordered a piece of pie, and Lynn ordered a dozen more oysters. I changed my mind to another kind of pie. I had to follow the waiter back toward the kitchen to tell him. As I got there he was exclaiming to the cook, “Would you believe she wants another dozen!”

I guess the case can be made for both gardening and oysters. I love my time in the garden, and my wife cherishes her time with her oysters. She’s given up convincing me to try them. “More for me to eat,” she says with a smile.

I don’t expect her to be out helping me plant begonias or bulbs, but we volunteer on the same projects, and we go to our grandkids’ events together. 58 years we’ve been married, and my mom learned to put up with me, too. So, all in all, life is good.

Happy gardening!

Or, Happy oystering!

You get to choose.

Note: To this day, that remains Lynn’s personal best: 48 big, juicy, succulent oysters eaten at one sitting. But eaten at a leisurely pace. The Internet tells me that Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas holds the world record for competitive eating of raw oysters in 8 minutes. She ate 47 at the Acme Oyster Eating World Championship in New Orleans in 2012. Record still stands. Oh, did I mention that’s 47 dozen?